Essay: Growing Up Queer & Christian | Anonymous
Trigger Warning: this essay discusses homophobia, transphobia, and suicidal ideation
Growing up religious more than definitely has its pros and cons…
For starters, I learned from a young age that I have a purpose and a belonging within the church. I learned that I have a special duty to save the world from sin, but there is a catch. What happens if it turns out the sinner is you?
My sin is not a harmful sin, but it is one that is out of my control. One day, in the church service, my pastor preached 1 Corinthians 6:9. It says that people who practice homosexuality will not enter the kingdom of God. I realized that I was this enemy that Christians talked about. It tore my self worth apart.
“The day I learned about homosexuality being a sin in the bible, it sent me to a real low.”
That stuck with me. It felt like a massive betrayal. The church may be an accepting place for many, but when you are Queer, you can find yourself an outcast. For some Queer kids, it can even be life threatening. The day I learned about homosexuality being a sin in the bible, it sent me to a real low. I started to contemplate suicide, because I was terrified, and I did not know what to do.
Growing up Christian and Queer, things can possibly be alright, depending on your particular church and family. The problem with my household, and my church, is that they see homosexuality as a sin to be corrected. I was taught from a very young age that if you see sin, it is your duty to change it, and if you do not, you are enabling your loved one to go to hell. Kids are very impressionable, and you can see how this would lead to a crisis in my family and my mental health.
To keep my sanity, I had to resort to living an online life. Online culture makes me free to be who I am. Some may use to the internet to bully, but there is much more to it than that. Queer kids use it as a tool for finding themselves, without fear of being rejected by society, religion or their families. It is a place of comfort and safety.
Our identities take time to figure out. My gender and sexual orientation have always been there, but my understanding of that identity is fluid. I still do not know myself very well, but I feel secure when I give myself a feminine expression, without the pressure of gender roles. My current understanding is that I am a non-binary, trans femme person who is into men. I’ve found a way to identify so I can feel comfortable while I continue to explore.
“I hope that one day it will be the norm for all kids to question their identities, rather than just believing what was assigned at birth.”
Throughout this process I have found it helpful to ask my trusted friends to refer to me in different ways. I recommend this step to anyone who is questioning their identity. Even if it feels weird at first, keep going. Not being used to a pronoun can be confusing, but don’t mistake that feeling for dysphoria.
I hope that one day it will be the norm for all kids to question their identities, rather than just believing what was assigned at birth. If it turns out you are transgender, congratulations. If you end up being cisgender, that is good too. Either way, you have more concrete knowledge of yourself.
It helped me to browse through subreddits, seeing art made by people expressing their trans identity, especially when they explained what they went through in the comments. Another huge step has been editing photographs or drawing myself as the way I want to be seen. If anything feels wrong, I learned in art, not on my body.
Since I am still in high school, I really change what I share depending on who is around. Most of the time, I only give my name and my pronouns, because the environment can really affect how I will be treated. When it comes to my family, I am extremely reserved, but at school I am a bit more open. Online or at work I tend to be very open since I do not fear rejection. I like to be as safe as possible while expressing myself. Society has made some amazing progress, but it still has a very long way to go.
I have a massive privilege living here in Canada and in the time that I am, but in the city where I live, I can still see tones of transphobia and homophobia. One day, when I was in Drivers Ed, we had to stop because a lady with a beard was walking in the crosswalk. The instructor said, “that is no lady, that's one of those men in dresses. You always find weirdos down here.” And the thing is, it was very normalized. Some might even see this comment as innocent, but it hurt me.
“I do not want to be considered some gross sinner. I want to be treated like a human being”
I just want to be treated with respect and not like some outcast who is weird for who they are. I do not want to be considered some gross sinner. I want to be treated like a human being. In five years, when high school is over and I am out on my own, I hope that I am what I envision: long hair, pretty, looking and sounding like a woman and, most of all, treated like one. I am going to find a way to be happier with myself and pass the way I want to.
How can you show me you accept me? Take society’s awful standards and throw them out the window. It’s easy. See me as the gender I tell you I am, use the pronouns I like and the name that I’ve given you. It really is that simple to make me feel accepted.
Written by Anonymous
Photos by Hailley Fayle
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